Is My Grief Normal?
When someone comes in to talk about grief, one of the first questions I am often asked is whether they are grieving in a way that is normal or correct (the list of adjectives goes on). There are often questions about what is happening for them, regardless of if it is the first loss they have experienced or not.
These are just a few of the questions that can easily cross our minds. And it may be even more confusing if this is not your first loss, but it is impacting you in a completely different way than other losses have. All of these questions imply that there is a right way to grieve. But there is no one way to grieve.
What are some symptoms of grief?
Grief can show up in many ways. It could be sadness about the loss, but that is not the only way we experience grief. For some, it may present as anxiety, anger, or guilt. It could disrupt your sleep or appetite. Sometimes people seek comfort in other ways like shopping or overindulging in food or alcohol. Grief might change how you view yourself, others, or the world around you.
Do I have a right to grieve?
This question is especially common when we start to compare losses. One person may be mourning the loss of their child while another grieves the loss of their childhood pet. It’s easy to wonder who has a “right” to grieve. Perhaps the grief you are feeling is not about a person at all, but about the state of the world, a separation from an identity you previously held, a family member you have had to distance from.
There are many forms of loss we can experience, and while the experiences may not be the same, pain appears for any form of loss. We can always find someone who we consider to have “worse” issues if we try hard enough, but that does not mean that our own emotions do not deserve space too.
What are the stages of grief?
- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance -
When hearing about these stages, it is often assumed that healing will be a linear process. We tend to think we will move from one stage to the next until we reach a point of healing and have moved on. And, while these stages do represent common experiences someone may have while grieving, it is not that clear cut. We go forwards and backwards, left and right, experiencing each of the stages at different times of our life or moments of the day.
So, what can you expect?
I often find that the “Ball in a Box” metaphor is a helpful way to understand grief. Let’s say you draw a box. In this box, there is a ball of grief and a pain button. If you were to draw the ball of grief after a recent loss, likely that ball would take up much of the box. As a result, it would hit the “pain” button constantly, and you feel the pain of loss nearly all the time. Over time, the ball shrinks or the box grows larger. When this happens, that ball doesn’t hit the pain button quite as often. However, there are still moments when it can hit that button again and the grief washes over us again.
When should I ask for help?
If you are wondering whether to seek support, that’s often a sign that it is the right time. There is no minimum threshold you need to be at in order to ask for help.
Whether you need a couple sessions or a longer period of therapy, we can sit with you in your grief so that you do not have to face it alone. Grief is, unfortunately, a topic that many people in your life may not know how to discuss and you may find that others around you try to avoid bringing it up in conversations. This can be an isolating experience and either therapy or talking with others who knew your loved one can both be meaningful in these moments.
If you are starting to notice signs of depression or anxiety following a loss, or if your grief feels overwhelming, this would be an additional sign that it is a good time to seek professional support. Reach out to us if you are ready to connect with a therapist.
